The Things They Carried

There's always something you hang on to after a relationship ends. Baggage is such a nasty word in that context, I think, because the things you hang on to aren't inherently bad.

With Chris, I hung on to a hatred of super cheap party dip, fast food, X-box, and weed, and I think my life is better for it. Also lavender baby oil and fingers in my butthole. And the term A+.

I'm carrying a lot.

With Allen, I made off with a reasonably light load. I came away from that relationship with a hatred of chicken and vegetable lasagna with white sauce, and Stacie Hertel. Poor Stacie ended up being one of those girls I was friendly with at arm's length for a little while, and she was so sweet, and the poor little lamb had no fucking idea I hated her so vehemently. She didn't deserve my ire, she was so fucking nice to me, and I was so dreadfully cold to her. I saw some very flirtatious messages from Allen to her (I only remember a new haircut and something about a bikini), and I misplaced my anger and contempt. We ran into her once at Best Buy, and she greeted Allen with the longest hug, and then she turned her attention to me and said it was so wonderful to finally meet me, and I responded with a very frosty and cunty, "You, too, I guess". 

With Dan, I really, really, REALLY lucked out. I don't know if it's luck, or if I've just grown as a person and learned to let things go, especially ridiculous things that have no bearing on my life. I recognize what I COULD have come away from that relationship carrying...fear of abandonment (I have that, anyway. Hooray, BPD!), fear of opening up in a relationship, fear of relationships in general, fear of an imbalance in power dynamics in a relationship (with those power dynamics weighted between money and emotional acuity, never to balance out), and a fear of weak jawlines, but I didn't come away with any of those. You know what I came away from that relationship with?

A hatred of Anne Hathaway.

And I cannot cannot CANNOT stop hating her. It's just a thing. I'll never get over it, and I don't know what that says about me as a person, or if it's meant to imply something about my inability to get over Dan (which I have, but admittedly, it took a VERY long time), but whatever it is, I virulently fucking hate her. I. hate. her.

I was so fucking jazzed about the Ocean's 8 movie until I saw that her bitch ass was in it, and then I was overcome by such a rage that I couldn't function for a solid minute.

Of course, I will still go see Ocean's 8. In the theater, on opening day. Mainly because I love heist movies and grifting, but also because I, for one, am totally here for the femaling of male lead movies. You want to remake Snatch but with all women? You should, Guy Ritchie, because it would be hilariously on the nose in several ways.

I'm already planning on bringing a popsicle stick with a cutout of my face on it to put over Anne Hathaway's dumb face whenever she is on screen, because fuck her, that's why.

I realize that it's 1) childish and B) so disgustingly anti-feminist for me to drag a woman and hate her just for existing and looking the way she does, but that is the thing I fucking carry from my relationship with Dan...a fervent desire for Anne Hathaway to fade off into obscurity yesterday, so I can just forget she exists in the same way that masculinity as it applies to jawlines forgot Dan.

I may also be carrying a latent desire to make fun of Dan publicly because I had to hide it for so long, though Allen and I did tear into Dan a LOT while Dan and I were together. I took part in that with Allen because Dan was crushing my feelings and I was so bent on him loving me back that I stayed because I didn't know what else to fucking do about how I felt (telling him he was a jagweed crossed my mind on the reg, but I never had the balls to do it), and then when I was still getting over Dan, making fun of him was how I hid how much my heart hurt that we weren't together anymore, and I thought if I could verbalize enough bad shit about him, maybe I'd start to believe it. And now I make fun of him because it's funny, and I've fully grasped what a fucking shitwad of a dumpster fire our farce of a relationship was, and how lucky I am that I came through that fire like Daenerys Targaryen, the kind of bitch that doesn't take shit from mother fuckin' ANYBODY, always says what she feels and what she means, and will not fucking tolerate you stomping through my kingdom like you fucking own the place, men.

And fucking HATES Anne Hathaway. Little known GoT factoid, you're welcome.