A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men

Holy shit. The wedding is thirteen days away now.

I've been in a really weird place, emotionally. I can't quite describe it, so weird is going to have to suffice.

I could say I feel like being self-destructive, and I could also say that I feel like holing myself up so nobody can see me until the wedding. Those would both be true things. I'm scared and nervous and elated and nervous and scared.

I'm really afraid of fucking all of this up. I'm afraid of being stagnant, and I'm afraid that I'll be sick on my wedding day, and I'm also terrified that I'm not doing the right thing. That maybe I really shouldn't get married. Not because of any way I do or don't feel about Derek, but because of me. And how I am. I've spent so long not wanting to get married that, even though I want to get married, I can't be sure I'm doing the right thing.

I'm pretty sure I am.

My eyes are wide open about the possibility of getting divorced, and ending up hating Derek, and Derek hating me. There's no pretending this is going to last forever. We're people, and people are so prone to failing at monumentally huge things like marriage.

It's a lot to think about, and I've been thinking about all of it. I've talked to Allen a lot about where we fucked up, and if Derek and I are different, from an outsider's perspective. It's been fantastic getting to do that. It really helps. I see the value in my relationship with Derek, and how it's like no other relationship I've had. I know that. I know that marrying him is going to be wonderful, even if it isn't one day. And I think that's what's getting me. Thinking that I may have a blemished record one day. It's different to be never married with a shitload of failed relationships. Being divorced is an entirely different animal, in my mind. It sounds so ugly. And it also sounds so avoidable. By not getting married. I think these things, and I think, maybe this is a mistake. Maybe Derek and I should just be in cohabitation phase until we either die, or are through with each other. And I settle on that and get ready to tell Derek that maybe we shouldn't get married, but then I think about this:

I don't care.

Ultimately, I don't care if Derek and I get divorced (don't twist that). I don't care if this burns down to the ground, because it's something I want to do.

I get it now in a way I never did. When you actually WANT to be with somebody, and the problems you have are trivial in comparison, marriage is practically the only course of action. This isn't to say that people who choose not to get married are making the wrong choice and they  need to hop along to the nearest altar. I don't believe that at all. I still believe that marriage is a ridiculous institution, and it's just a party and a piece of paper, and people shouldn't be expected to marry somebody just because. That's fucking stupid. I can still think marriage is stupid and realize it's the best choice for me. Kind of like a tattoo. Tattoos aren't for everyone. some tattoos are stupid, and some people who get tattoos should have really, really, REALLY not gotten tattoos. But when something is REALLY important to you, it needs to be boldly and permanently celebrated.

Listen, that metaphor worked in my head, and if it didn't land here, then whatever, but I'm leaving it as is.

I really am excited to get married. Excited and scared and nervous and all of it. It's bizarre to think that in thirteen days, I'll be someone's wife. Someone will be my husband.

I didn't really get it before, but I get it now.

As a not even related aside, Allen told me the other day that the Naval Academy where Top Gun was filmed (or modeled after or whatecer) charges people five dollars for quoting that movie. I really fucking hope that's true. It made me laugh so, so hard. I tried to find something to verify this, and found this TIL reddit thread which, sadly, has a link that is 404ing HARD. However, I'd be lying if I said the comments didn't make me laugh my ass off. Certain people REALLY need to know about this.